[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
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The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
😜
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David