What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
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Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
IT’S-A ME,
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
💯😂
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?