Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
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My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough