Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
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Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!