Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
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In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.