Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
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If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster