Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
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My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
oh my god
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.