Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
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I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
I’m sure it’s fine.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.