The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
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KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”