I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
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Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT