[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
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Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”