I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
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cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
The real reason evolution started..😂
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here