Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
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Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.