my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
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I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.