As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
You Might Also Like
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
not to brag, but mine was free
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted