got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
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The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.