[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
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What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Ok, but like, how married are you?
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.