“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
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*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”