Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
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13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.