Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
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which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
brian had himself a morning…
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
okay run it by me one more time
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?