ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
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The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.