Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
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I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
I wish I were this cool 😂
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please