SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
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*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.