[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
You Might Also Like
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
S/o to @funTweeters .
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
When news reporters do sports stories
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.