Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
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*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Breaking news:
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*