Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
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If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
iPhone X