If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
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Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.