love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
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Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
The happy life.. 😊
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.