fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
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I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
me hitting on a model
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
I’m too immature for adultery.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.