I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
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When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
the best thing i’ve ever made
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
The pasta is now
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
2 years later
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best