[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
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ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
This tweet has been deleted
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?