Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
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Friday
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Ape together strong
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.