Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
You Might Also Like
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
The opposite of goth is stopth.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Breaking news:
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.