Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
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My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
I feel attacked.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
absolute chaos
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud