mmm onion ringos
You Might Also Like
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Just say no
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?