“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
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Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.