Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
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Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
True?
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
nobody’s gonna understand
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.