just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
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*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
my dad has had enough
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.