I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
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When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.