Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
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I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too