Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
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One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?