If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
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Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
yeet
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college