Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
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If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
WTF
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
when you don’t want to be too vague
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them