I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
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My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Where’s my employee discount too?
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother