If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
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Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Aight bet