beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
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“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Velcrow
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”