Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
You Might Also Like
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
“just sayin” who asked you though?
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”