I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
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[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing