Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
You Might Also Like
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.