I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
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My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”